It's a rollercoaster!

Hi there, how are we? I'm alright, getting over a cold, which unfortunately I've passed on to our favourite little lady. It sucks because there's not much you can do... we're trying all the recommended things including a vapouriser in her room, baby vicks on her tummy, back and feet (yes, you read right feet!) and even saline drops in the nose and attempted the sucky snot thing very unsuccessfully. All have not appeared to improve her cold, but she hasn't got any worse either... so we continue to soldier on!

Anyways, since I enjoyed the last update so much I thought rather than documenting our recent activities, I'd explain my 'rollercoaster' of emotions that comes hand in hand with this whole parenting caper. So, without further adue.... here is my (not exactly comprehensive) list of emotions that I experience on a daily basis as a new mum.

 

 

1. Stress.

Stress, whilst not the most common emotion I experience, does seem to jump to my mind first. Mainly self inflicted I am constantly feeling a level of stress in caring for little dearest. Everything could be a ok and I'll still contemplate all the things that could go wrong. Its ridiculous I know, particularly when she's consistently well fed and rested, but you can't help feeling overwhelmed with the pressure that comes hand in hand with keeping a little person alive.

Stress also manifests itself into other areas such as outings. They always appear to play on my mind more than staying at home. At least in the confinds of my home I have my stuff and am free from possible judgment from others on my parenting, or lack of parenting (hehe) skills.... again, ridiculous I know. But its impossible to remove this stress, trust me I've tried. The way I feel better about heading out and about is through crazy preparation, which for those of you that know me well, is not difficult for me to achieve ;-) With a well packed bag and a nanny (laura) or father in tow, I feel I can conquer any outing, birthday parties, trips to debating, anything! I'm prepared for almost everything... or so I thought.

Chloe with Auntie Laura :)

Recently on a trip to target to grab some new cot sheets, Chloe began to fuss in the pram, I at first ignored her, knowing she was not due a sleep and had recently been fed, however the fussing continued. So I began to rock her in the pram and placed Jacques in sight at this point she quieted and I began a conversation with the women in front of me in line to pay. Chloe after a minute or so cried out at me again... I then resorted to picking her up for a cuddle, as that solves everything, whilst continuing a chat with the lady. As soon as I picked her up, I felt it, at the exact moment the lady I'd been talking to spotted it.... a poo explosion like I've never seen/felt before.... Stress (and embarrassment) turned me red, thankfully Laura was with me so I left her in line to pay for our purchases and off to the parents room I went. Thankfully Chloe was not to stressed out and was happily chatting away to me as I felt poo slide further down her leg.... YUCK! As I reached the parents room, it had made it to her socks - I apologise to anyone not loving the description - quietly I placed her on the change table and pulled out a new nappy, wipes, new outfit (including socks and singlet) and began searching the bottom of my bag, the zipped compartments, everywhere for a plastic bag. Nope, no plastic bag, nothing to put the soiled clothes in.... oh dear! I now carry not one, but two bags just in case. hehehe.

 

 

2. Guilt.

Being a mum of a healthy, happy, good sleeping bub comes with so much guilt. Despite having a relatively straight forward birth, a supportive husband, no issues with breastfeeding and a baby that is now consistently sleeping through the night... I continually find myself exhausted which makes me feel incredibly guilty. Particularly when I hear stories from other mums about trips to the ER, 2 hourly feedings around the clock, battles with breastfeeding or emergency c-sections. How can I complain when I have it so 'good'? This has crossed my mind many a time.

Guilt also crosses into not only my guilt for complaining but also if I unintentionally hurt Chloe. The first time I accidently hurt her was when we started leaving one arm out from her wrap at night. I woke her for her 7am feed and saw scratches on one side of her face, realising it was her nails I tried to bite them (like daddy does) but couldnt do it, so I got out the nail clippers... everything was going really well until she squealed like nothing I'd ever heard before.... I quickly realised that the kid-friendly clippers had caught her skin and I'd cut her. I felt terribly guilty for hurting her.... The second time was a few weeks later at her first birthday party in a park, despite being in a hat, in the shade, she managed to get burnt on the right cheek.... which again, filled me with terrible guilt. More recently she has caught a cold from me, even despite my best efforts to not cough on her and continually wash my hands. Its hard to not beat yourself up when stuff like this happens. And googling things like 'baby sun burn' images - does! NOT! help!

 

 

3. Sadness.

When I say "sadness" it is not like, lock yourself in the cupboard and cry uncontrollably, its more a feeling of grieving. Like the first night she slept in her "big girl" bed, when I looked at her and thought 'naw....she's growing up so fast'. Or the sadness I feel when she cries and I know I need to leave her... because she is crying to be picked up and its bedtime.... I am flooded with inner turmoil. I know what my heart wants to do but my head says something entirely different. This only lasts a few minutes, but it is the LONGEST and sadest few minutes of my life!!! So many times I have sat by her door and held back the tears only to go in moments later and have a 'naw' moment as she lays there sleeping sweetly.

 

 

4. Excitement.

Obviously this is the best emotion and while in the beginning these moments of excitement were fleeting, few and far between. As well as being constantly second guessed (is that a smile or wind?) or worse still a blur in the exhaustion. Now they are much more frequent, long lasting and enjoyable. Each day she is becoming more and more alert and animated; smiling at me and 'talking'. Her world has become 'a world of discovery' and I'm happy to be taken on this magically ride!

Look Mum! I've got it!

Things that seemed boring or ordinary are suddenly hilarious or incredibly interesting like Richard Wilkins, who had her cracking up for about 3 minutes Friday morning on the tv. Or Laura's fingernails when waved in a fluid motion infront of her face almost always receives a smile. Simple things like discovering she can hit things with her hands, or lift her head, blow bubbles, even more recently rolling over and holding things in her hands - all receive a reaction now, and with it comes an overwhelming sense of pride and excitement. Each of these events, fills my heart to the point of explosion, as I am so amazed by her each and every day. In life its easy for us to focus on the negative things.... but I challenge you to try and think negatively when Chloe flashes you a giant toothless grin.

 Til next time, xxx